You Look Scary

Entering midlife is a strange thing. All the changes going on inside your body. All the changes going on outside your body. It can be a bit overwhelming some days.

I’m forever trying, with all my might, to love my body the way it is. It has never been a strength of mine. When I look in the mirror to find sagging lines, a waddle, and stray and coarse black chin hairs, my self-confidence melts faster than the bad witch did when doused with water. So, the last thing I like to hear is a 9-year-old telling me I look scary.

I tutor a few hours a week and on Saturday a 9-year-old boy looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Your face looks scary.”

I don’t tend to take things little kids say personally, and I didn’t take this personally, but I was extremely curious.

“What about my face looks scary?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I mean you have a mirror. Look in it,” he replied.

“Well, what am I looking for?”

“You know, like, look at your cheeks. They go like this,” he said as he drew a diagonal line on his face from the outside of his eye down to his mouth with his finger, “It just looks weird.”

“Oh, these sagging lines around my mouth?” I asked him.

“Yea,” he said.

“Well, I’m aging. That happens when you get older,” I explain to him.

“Yeah, I know. I just didn’t want to be rude and say you looked older,” he says to me.

I chuckle, “Well, I’d rather be called old than scary just so you know.”

We both laughed and carried on with our tutoring session, and I just silently reminded myself that 30 minutes earlier a little girl told me I had really long and pretty eyelashes, and that I looked like a princess.

I really don’t think the little boy was trying to be mean. I really do think he was trying to spare my feelings about getting old, but when did being scary-looking become more accepted than looking older?

Society pressures us to always look youthful. It’s unrealistic. I’d like to hang on to the firm skin of my youth, but the sagging and fine lines also prove I have lived. I pick my body apart, but it functions! I can go for a run, a walk, a hike, a bike ride – whatever I desire. I don’t have to take medications to lower my blood pressure or cholesterol. I don’t have to take regularly scheduled infusion treatments to keep my body functioning properly. There are so many wonderful and beautiful things about my aging body. I’m grateful for it, but I’m human, and the waddle forming under my chin really bugs me most days. The thing is, my body is way healthier now at age 40 than it was at any age in my 20s because I treat it better. I respect it more.

Some days I look in the mirror and I agree with this little boy – I look scary old – but other days I look in the mirror and think, “I look hella good for my age”. It just depends on the day, and that’s nothing new for me. Yeah, I have cellulite here and there, bat wings as arms, and a little more belly and muffin top than I feel comfortable with, but I also have fairly muscular legs, freckles (which I never loved – but apparently freckles are in now), nice skin, and long eyelashes, and pretty cool eyes if I say so myself. Most importantly, I have a heart…a really big one that I wear on my face and sleeve…and a sense of humor (most of the time).

If you find yourself in the “you look scary old” phase, you aren’t alone, and you are beautiful beyond measure. Let the bat wings fly, the fine lines shine, and the sagging skin flap. Age as gracefully as you wish, friends, and never apologize for it.