Giving Up

To be honest, being back in the classroom has been really hard for me. I’ve been swinging on a pendulum for years about my desire to teach. I was burned out when I stepped away. I missed it while I was on the outside looking in. I’m struggling now that I’m back at it.

Here are a few reasons for my struggles:

1. I’m expected to be at school before my contract hours every day for duty. I don’t get that time back. I don’t get paid for that time.
2. I’ve been pulled to cover classes for absent teachers because there’s a shortage of substitutes.
3. You can’t take a personal day, that’s yours unless you can acquire a substitute and request approval at least one week in advance. Again, there’s a shortage of substitutes – how is that my problem?
4. I feel guilty for ever wanting to take a personal day for the above-mentioned reasons.
5. Taking a personal day or being sick means sub plans and stressing about the behaviors and productivity of my students.
6. It doesn’t feel like society values education anymore.
7. Disrespect. All day. Every day.
8. The commute. I want to work closer to my home.

Here are a few reasons why I really want to want to be a teacher.

1. Giving young people skills they’ll use for a lifetime.
2. Playing a role in improving a young person’s self-confidence and self-worth.
3. Teaching young people about accountability, grace, love, responsibility, honesty, and the importance of being a good human.
4. Human connection adds positivity to the world.
5. Seeing the light bulb go off and a growing love for learning (even if it’s the smallest amount of love).

I love the young people in my classroom. I love them a lot more as individual humans than I do as a collective class though. In a group, teenagers have reputations to create or maintain, personas to protect, and are just easily influenced by peer pressure. It’s tough to watch.

In the last few weeks, I’ve had to do a lot of reflection. One conclusion I’ve come to is this: I’m creating my own problems by caring too much about the plans I am making for these kids. When I create a malleable outline, the day goes much smoother. I don’t give up on them, but I give up on my plans for them and let them lead. When I take the pressure off myself, I take the pressure off of them. When I’m just present, they are more present.

Today, I gave up the “we must do everything I planned exactly the way I planned it” attitude. I provided an outline with an end goal in mind for the week. I gave the students choices. I slowed the pace. I remained present. The day was better.

Turns out, giving up can be positive.