Wonderful

You know what I’m loving?

The comeback of 90s bands! They are touring all around, and I’m here for it. All the nostalgia. As a matter of fact, I recently bought tickets to see Everclear with Marcy’s Playground and Jimmie’s Chicken Shack, and I’ve been rocking out to Everclear all over town in my car today.

But, you know what really caught me by surprise?

Nearly losing control of my emotions and ugly crying while jamming out to Everclear on the way to get my haircut. The lyrics hit a bit different as an adult.

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Now, I never had a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door…never wanted to…never even watched a Star Wars movie…maybe a Popples or My Little Pony poster is more accurate for me, but all the times I sat in my closet, hidden, counting to ten hoping the chaos that filled my home would be over when I opened them again, now that resonates.

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

I remember people praying for us. I remember my family telling me God loved us. Angels were never a stranger to my family and still aren’t. My dad refused to go to church with us when I was a kid, but I know he held God in his heart. I know his heart was good because he was a good man. He was an angel to many people. Always willing to give the shirt off his back as my mom always said. His hugs were the best. He smelled of hard work and dedication to his family. Unfortunately, he also suffered from a disease called alcoholism. A disease that altered his personality. A disease he denied and was too stubborn to get help for.

Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now

My mom never failed to remind my brother and me that everything would be ok. Even after all his broken promises, “I promise I won’t drink,” “I promise this is the last time,” “I promise I’ll get help,” he’d say. He never kept the promises, but my mom smiled at us kids, broken on the inside, and assured us everything would be wonderful someday.

I was a sensitive kid and a whiney kid. There were times I’d cry and wouldn’t even know why I was crying. And, it never failed that when my mom would let me spend the night away somewhere, I’d cry when it was time to go home because I wanted to stay.

“If you keep crying when I come to pick you up, I’m not going to let you go off and spend the night anymore. I don’t understand why you’re crying,” she’d say.

I didn’t know either.

Now, I know.

Home was unstable – no matter how hard she tried to make it stable and wonderful – it wasn’t. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t even dad’s fault. It was addiction and addiction is unpredictable and unstable. Years after my dad died, my mom remarried, and my brother crossed the bridge to heaven, addiction still ran our lives. My stepdad couldn’t take the loss of my brother. He fell backward and never stood upright again.

Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world is so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday

She never meant to lie to me. She truly believed everything would be wonderful someday. And, in between the manic phases of my stepdad’s bipolar disorder and self-medication with drugs, there were some wonderful days. Those must have been the days that kept her believing in wonderful, that kept her moving forward, that kept her faithful.

Life has brought us many, many hardships, heartbreaks, and challenges. And, we aren’t the exception. Everyone has met hardships, heartbreaks, and challenges. In the year(s) this song was popular, I sang along and never paid attention to the words because the music was, well, wonderful. The music distracted my attention away from the words. I guess that was on purpose. My mom had to believe and have faith that life would be wonderful someday. Her strong faith was the music. Her reality was the lyrics.

Life is full of contradictions. What I know now is that all those contradictions can exist together and be true.

You can look at someone with tears in your eyes amid pain and heartache and acknowledge the suckiness of life while also believing and knowing that wonderful exists too. After all, the music of my mom’s love was wonderful while the lyrics of reality also existed.

In the end, she was right. My life is mostly wonderful now.