Contemplating Marriage

In July 2010, somewhere around the fourth of July, Matt & I made our “in a relationship” status official. In a few weeks, we’ll celebrate our nine-year wedding anniversary. Thirteen years together is a fairly long marriage these days, and I’m proud of our marriage. To say every day is easy would be a lie. Not that life with Matt isn’t easy – it is in the sense that he’s my best friend and my favorite person to spend time with. Life challenges make it not so easy some days…because, well, life ain’t easy every day.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something I heard Brene Brown talk about on her podcast, Unlocking Us. If I remember correctly, it was an episode released within days of the world shutting down (maybe weeks or months – my pandemic timeline makes no sense). She shared a rule used in her marriage – the 80/20 rule. Now, I’ve never really discussed this rule with my husband, but recently, I’ve found myself thinking about it more, but before I go further, let me share what this 80/20 rule is.

Straight from Brene Brown’s March 2020: Comparative Suffering, the 50/50 Myth, and Settling the Ball episode transcript: Strong, lasting relationships are rarely 50-50, because life does not work that way. Strong, lasting relationships happen when your partner or friend or whoever you’re in relationship with, can pony up that 80% when you are down to 20, and that your partner also knows that when things fall apart for her, and she only has 10% to give, you can show up with your 90, even if it’s for a limited amount of time.

If I really think about it, Matt and I have practiced this throughout our entire relationship – some parts better than others – and it works for us, but we could also do it better…starting with me actually discussing it with him. So, Matt if you’re reading this…we can talk about it later, and I love you.

Here’s an example of what I mean. Today, Matt communicated his workday was challenging and stressful. Knowing he worked in a fabrication workshop with welding machinery in South Carolina heat all day with no air conditioning on top of other work-related challenges, I knew he’d be exhausted when he got home. He would definitely not be at 80%. Therefore, I took care of a few errands after work so he wouldn’t have to worry about it. We were open to getting take-out for dinner (because I wasn’t really feeling cooking either). I called in the take-out order and went to pick it up (because he usually does both). We ate comfort food and watched about two hours of t.v. on the sofa together with Tony the pig. I fed Tony. Matt drank a beer on the sofa. I did my best to give more because I knew he didn’t have as much to give as I did today. This is a very basic and simple example, but hopefully, you get the gist.

Here’s another just in case. When I was teaching, there were days I’d come home in tears, or infuriated, and exhausted. I had enough energy to cry or complain (I always have energy for that) or to just flop on the sofa and do absolutely nada. On those days, without fail, Matt fed me, poured me a glass of wine, brought me a milkshake, cleaned the house, or whatever other ridiculous thing made me feel even a little better. He was my other 80% when I was at 20%. He was my 90% when I was at 10%.

The point I’m making is when you love someone 50/50 isn’t always enough. As the wise musician, Ben Rector, shared at a concert I attended: For a successful marriage, lower expectations and increase commitment. That’s what the 80/20 rule is. Lowering expectations and increasing commitment.

So, what happens if both of you are at 20% or even 10%? I don’t think we’ve mastered the gap plan, yet. The gap plan being what happens when we’re both zapped? This is where it gets hard. Where we both get snippy. Where I take everything personally and hyperfocus on cleaning. This is where communication and the term, “F it,” should come into play. What I mean by that is, are there any responsibilities or plans we can say “F it” to? For example, cancelling any plans that feel draining and rest or play or work on a puzzle together or take a walk. Would getting to-go food for dinner help? Would going to separate rooms for a bit be better? Maybe Matt needs to piddle around with his many projects while I go for a run or read or journal. How do you lower expectations and increase commitment when you’re both depleted? That’s the gap plan. We don’t officially have one because I’ve never officially discussed any of this with Matt…so don’t mind us.

I suppose I’m thinking about the successes of our marriage because we have an anniversary coming up, or maybe, it’s because I knew I needed to give more today. 50/50 wasn’t going to be enough, and I was happy to do it because I love Matt and value the commitment we made to each other.

We take pride in our marriage. We aren’t perfect, but we are perfect for each other. So, remember, relationships (including friendships and familial relationships) aren’t always 50/50.